Elevator 'Vent'

So my ex left for Canada to meet his new bf. To be honest I'm happy for him.

Bumaba ako ng building para maihatid man lang siya at makita sa huling pagkakataon bago siya umalis. Hindi ko na ninais sumama ng airport kasi nga maiiyak lang ako. Magmumukha naman akong ewan pagnagkataon.

"Mel, alis na ako". Ito ang huling salita na narinig ko sa kanya ng pasakay siya ng taxi papuntang Dubai airport. Ngumiti lang ako at tumungo at sumagot ng "Sige, ingat".

Habang sinisipat ko siya sa taxi na kanyang sinakyan ako ay nagsindi ng yosi sabay sabi sa sarili ko na "paalam". Tumingin sa langit at nagbuntong hininga.

Iiling-iling habang naglalakad papauwi sa aking tinitirahan nang biglang bumuhos ang luha ko sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan. "Ano ba naman to, bakit ngayon pa" nangingiting sabi ko habang patuloy kong pinipigil ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak. "Hala sa bahay ka na lang umiyak at wag dito sa labas, nakakahiya!!" So ayun kahit papaano naudlot ang pagbuhos ng luha ko.

"Ding" tunog ng elevator. Pasok sa loob. sabay pindot ng "5" (kasi nga sa fifth floor ako nakatira diba). 1....2....3....4 Biglang huminto ang elevator at hindi bumukas ang pinto. Nagtaka ako at napaisip (hmmmm) "Ano ba naman yan! Of all the days na pwedeng magloko ang elevator bakit ngayon pa!". Sinubukan kong pindutin yung 'alarm button' pero walang response. pindot pa ulit at sigaw ng saklolo.. walang response parin.. Naupo na lang ako sa pagkainis.

Tumayo at humarap sa salamin ng elevator at nagsabi ng "Things will get better soon.... Things will get better soon". Eto nanaman iyak nanaman ako. Hagulgol. Siguro nagiiyak ako for like 5-10 minutes non stop.

Matapos ng aking walang katapusang pagiiyak. biglang umandar ang elevator at huminto sa palapag ng aking tinitiran "5", 5th floor. Taka ako at napakamot ng ulo. Shocked sa mga nangyari ako ay dali-daling lumabas ng elevator....

Salamat Mr. Elevator! Thanks for giving me the space that I needed and thanks for 'listening'. It certainly made me feel better!

Scribble 1

Crust

Ang hirap ng mga naging struggles ko for the past few months. Ginawa ko na lahat para maayos ang buhay ko but still the past is haunting me. Halo-halo na kasi at ang sakit sa ulo.

I've never got the chance to talk to anyone right now kaya inisip ko na lang na iblog ang mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin. I just want someone to listen out. yung tipong makikinig lang sayo. I'm not asking for anyones empathy o kahit ano pa. i just want someone to be there for me.

Well uumpisahan ko na.....

Ang dami kong pinagbago nung mga nakaraan na buwan. Nawalan ako ng tiwala sa sarili ko at sa kakayanan ko. as in nawala lahat. at the same time naging manhid ako. ito siguro yung resulta ng pagsasabay sabay ng mga hindi magandang nangyari sa buhay ko. Ang pinakamasama pa nga ay naging sinungaling ako sa sarili ko. I kept on telling myself na ok na ako. hindi naman. i tried to fake a smile. try to cheer myself up pero wala paring epekto. alam ko naman na hindi naman dapat magdwell sa nararamdaman ko ngayon pero sometimes it helps in a way para mailabas ko ang lahat-lahat. I have denied myself of that privilege and now i am paying the price.

Hindi ako makahinga while typing this blog. sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na i dont deserve this. parang wala nga akong magawa e. parang kailangan ko lang i absorb ang lahat. natatakot nga ako kasi baka isang araw na lang bumulagta na lang ako dahil sa stress.

Mantle

Malaki ang naging pagbabago ko since September 2008. Pagkaraming-raming bagay ang nangyari sa buhay ko. Una naghiwalay kami ng ex ko. Pangalawa nagkaroon ng di pagkakaunawaan sa bahay na tinitirahan namin dati, Pangatlo hirap magbayad yung kaibigan ko ng pagkakautang sa akin. I wish things will turn back to how it used to be. Naiiyak nga ako ngayon pagnaaalala ko ang mga dinaanan ko. ang mga naging pagkakamali. Kung pinagbutihan ko sana. Totoo talaga na nasa huli ang pagsisisi. at ngayon pinagsisisihan ko ang lahat.

Core

Ok uhmmm... may nagustuhan ako since last year and sa tingin ko hindi niya ako nagustuhan... I don't know pero for some reason hindi na niya ako kinontak after seeing my photo. I feel sad of course. Alam ko naman na lahat ng tao e may kanya kanyang standards. may iba na they go after looks and may iba naman na anything goes basta ok pakisamahan. I've tried everything pero wala parin eh. Ni text ni misscall ala. nagrequest na nga ako kahit magsend siya ng blank message para at least alam ko na natatanggap niya message ko. but still i didn't receive any response.

Well thats it. May mga bagay talaga na hindi talaga para sayo. Siguro ang pagiging pagkakamali ko lang ay ang magkagusto sa tao na hindi naman dapat o dapat siguro iniligay ko na lang ang sarili ko sa dapat kong kalagyan.

I've learned a lot from this experience. Its still hurts pero wala naman akong magagawa eh. I just have to bear with it for the time being...

Somehow gumaan ang pakiramdam ko sa pagsusulat ko ngayon. at least nailabas ko na ng lahat-lahat.

Kung meron man na tao na nakapagbasa nito maraming salamat sa pagbibigay atensyon sa mga nilalaman ng blogsite ko.

Moving on

First of all, I would like to thank all the people who have sent me their words of encouragement. I appreciate it deeply. Thank you so much for being there :D

It's been almost a month already since I started this blog.  I was very busy with work and stuff. Barely had enough time to update my blogsite. Apologies.

Today is one of my special blog entry. This is dedicated to all of you who have just 'lost' your love.

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

The best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own HAPPINESS without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all fears, bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness rare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may have found peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship, or the feelings he might have for you is just too far from how you love him. We start our separate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to be bitter on love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love, that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry, if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

"When you lose someone... and you think you were the one who loved most, between the two of you... he lost more. For someday you can love someone the way that you loved him... But he will never be loved again the way that you did".

The changes within

Today is really something, I've been better!

What really surprises me is that I was able to keep my cool despite of the massive ruckus in the office. Not just that but I was able to do it with a smile! And now I'm still smiling while typing this blog (perhaps you are wondering....,  I didn't loose it yet grrrr).

I guess this what happens when you take things positively rather than the other way around. It's not an easy task but I must admit that it's definitely worth it. Give it a try and see for yourself.

Well, I've got nothing more to say for today but I am really happy - so much.

I'm giving myself a 'pat' at the back! Well done!

How to accept your Gay

For those of you who are struggling, you know who you are. Read on.

Know if you're gay

Sometimes people question their sexuality. There are many degrees of sexual orientation, and if you don't fit easily into one category, perhaps you are bisexual. Don't allow yourself to be labelled until, or unless, you are ready and willing to be. If you feel that you don't fit, or you can't understand why you aren't like other people in your life because you are different, remember that you are you, and not anyone else; and that being yourself and accepting yourself for the person that you are is something to be immensely proud of.

You didn't choose to be attracted to members of the same sex

Remember that you didn't choose to be attracted to members of the same sex, and that attempts to change your orientation are usually painful and pointless in the end. When talking with heterosexual friends or family members, it's sometimes tough to help them understand this, because they have no frame of reference for your experience. Try to encourage others to see your sexual orientation in the same way as they see your eye color - it is something you were born with an did not choose. It is something that is simply a part of your being, and not something you can change. There isn't any need to - being gay is just another way of being, and there is nothing wrong with it at all, neither is there anything wrong with you for being gay.

Some people in the world believe that your sexual orientation is a choice. If this is true for you, especially if you feel attracted to both genders, you might want to evaluate your choices. Leading a gay lifestyle can be a challenging choice in many societies throughout the globe. If you feel that you made a choice, you should feel comfortable with that choice.

Develop and express your individuality

Develop and express your individuality - if you preferred way of doing something strays from the mainstream, whatever it may be, then be proud of it - you are the one and only you. Understand that a person who is gay is no different from any other person. Like everyone else, gay people have dreams and goals, and want companionship and love just like anyone else you know. Strive everyday to be the best person you can be, and remind yourself of the positive qualities and attributes that make you uniquely who you are.

Accept yourself

Tell yourself that for people to accept you, first you must accept yourself. If you can't accept your sexual orientation and feel comfortable and confident in your own skin, then other people find it harder to accept you fully. It's your right to love; no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Tell yourself: "I am a person with feelings and intellect and a life, just like everyone else. I am unique individual, and no one has the right to choose my life for me. The fact that I am gay is just another facet of who I am, just as being creative, or optimistic, or having brown eyes is. I may not be like many of my friends, but I choose to live my life authentically and happily. It's my life, and I choose to be happy".

Remember that you are not alone. There are many, many gay people in all sorts of communities, and there are many people there for you when you need support. There may be agencies, groups, advisers, family members and friends that you can turn to, even if it is just someone to inform of your feelings. Find a group or a hangout where you feel comfortable, and where there will be other gay people to talk with. Make some new friends, and by doing so, you will establish a new network of supportive and encouraging people around yourself.

Show people who you are

Coming out of the closet is the boldest step in accepting your sexual orientation, but now that you are able to live "out", it does not mean that you have to change who you are or what you like.

The path to "Gaydom" is a long and treacherous road. There will be hardships, unforseen events all throughout - but hold on! Trust me, once you get there. It will be definitely worth the effort.

Soul Crushed

It's been a week since my partner broke up with me. It's so sudden. I'm not ready.

At first, hindi ko matanggap, mahirap, masakit. I don't know what to do. I want to stab myself a million times over just to rid myself of this pain. 

4yrs of relationship is not easy to forget. kasama na yung mga pinagsamahan, all the laughters and tears, the "ups" and "downs".

Masama ang loob ko and I can't help but to cry while typing this blog. I still love him. I really do. I want to win him back. I want to fight for our love. I don't want to loose him. 

It is disheartening that I can't do anything from this point onwards. He's decided and I have to accept it.

Labs, thank you for the love, care, attention, patience and understanding all these years. I am grateful. Thank you for taking care of me. 

This is for you (I wanted to say this in front of our friends on our 49th monthsary last 14th sayang di man lang nakaabot): 

Surprise ko kay labs sa monthsary namen yey...

Last Jan of 2005

From an amateur teen writer

I prayed and asked God to give me a perfect lover.... an ideal lover who I have in mind.

Months after my prayer got answered.... I met the so called man of my dreams and the last thing I knew we are living together.... happily.

There was so much love in the air, so much fun its so overwhelming. I don't want it to end. And so I said to myself.... Thank you God.

Years have past and things started to change, the passion died out, dwindled like a rose cut off from its source of nourishment.

I saw my relationship crumbled into pieces right in front of me, right in the palm of my hands.

I blamed God for all that has happened. The pain was so much for me to bear. I can't stand it, I can't accept it.

For days, weeks I have suffered and my life was in turmoil.

So I decided to pray once more to talk to God - no response. I grieved and mourned.

I tried to put back the pieces, tried to recuperate after each blow that almost drove me to lose my sanity. I was unsuccessful, desperate and lost.

A few years have past and I tried to figure out the answer by myself, but I was in vain.

One night I dreamed, I was speaking to God.

I cried in his presence - 

I couldn't help it so I blurted it all out "Why does it have to be this way? I didn't ask for this!!" "Why do you have to make it difficult for me?"

And God replied: "I didn't make it difficult for you my son, but I made it easier for you instead. You see I have give you what you have asked from me and I have given it to you in three-folds".

"In three-folds?" I asked. "Yes... Not only I have given you a lover, but also a father who can guide you through though times, but who can protect you and treat you as his own. A brother who you can be of joy and fun with. A friend who will always be there in times of need. All of them in one soul, in one body... All those four combined is your lover".

I was shocked upon hearing this. I couldn't believe what I was hearing...

BAM! out of nowhere I just woke up for some reason I cannot explain till now.

It was past midnight when I woke up that time. And there, I saw beside me, my lover, sleeping soundly. I smiled and kissed his forehead and promised that I will take care of him, that someday he'll be proud of me and lastly help him to come out from his closet.

....And his lover's name is (withheld)

Labs, I'm sorry if it didn't work out! I wish it did! I really do! I love you and I know you still love me too! I will wait for you. I know you will come back to me someday!

I won't say Goodbye.... but instead I'll say Hello!

Operation Revelation

So I was sulking. Not in the mood for anything. I mean ANYTHING! (Yes, that includes the three letter word too).

Well, I made a lot of thinking during those so called "dark ages" of my life. What my plans are, the steps I should take and the "remedy" for this unspeakable pain in my heart.

I have to make my resolve soon, somehow.

What do I want? How do I want it? Perhaps these are the questions I can't answer right now, after all that has happened. 

Hey, I just realized that.... how can I even answer these questions if I don't even know how to describe myself?! As funny as it sounds, I find it really though!

Suddenly, out of nowhere the answer just came pouring in. I'd better type everything fast - With a smile on my face I say "This is it!"

It takes me great pride and courage to share this with you:

About me:

I enjoy many things, I do consider myself pretty laid back, easy going, and for the most part a loving and caring individual.

I want someone who knows who they are, someone who is not scared to be themselves around me, and in public. Someone who will just grab my hand as we frolic around town. Someone who is a positive individual, as well as very optimistic, the GLASS IS ALWAYS HALF FULL!

(This thing is only at 48% and I am running out of things to say)

Music is my passion, I love singing (no talent though) and I love dancing. I want to be able to dance with my future partner and not have him stand there like a stick. I want someone to go to concerts with, to do some adventurous activities with. And ALWAYS learn about them.

When I look at someone and they can sense the love in my eyes, I've done my job. I want someone to look at me like I look at them. I have been in abusive relationship, both physical, verbal, mental and emotional. It wasn't pleasant so now I am really picky.

I have an older gorgeous sister who I love the most! How I wish there was a male counterpart of her (giggle)

Dating/Relationship:

I want someone who knows what they want, someone who set goals to achieve them and not for the sake of making them. I want someone who is older than I am, who is responsible and mature. I want a man, not a boy. I want someone who rather stay in cuddle with some wine and watch a movie as oppose to going out to a party or a bar/club. I want someone to be able to tell me they love me, and mean it.... without wanting someone. Someone who is romantic, surprise flowers, dinner out. Someone who respects me as person. Love me unconditionally. And not to be scared of who they are.

Now for the question of a lifetime: What about me, makes you attracted?

Ok I have officially ran out of things to say, if you have any questions at all, feel free to send me an email, I always respond, one way or another.